Still no date for Valentine’s Day? Good, because you would just want to cancel on him anyway after meeting my friends. Dan, Jameson, Evan, and MSB all want to take you out this Saturday. However, you only get to pick one of these fine gentlemen, so choose your favorite in the poll below (and feel free to leave a comment explaining your choice).

Seriously, take the poll. The winner gets a batch of cookies. Probably some POM as well because it’s taking up too much room in my fridge.

This is going to be a long post, so I’ve provided the Cliff’s Notes version up here at the top for those of you too lazy busy to read the entire thing.

If you don’t mind being the driver, choose MSB or Dan

If you like your wine and need a driver, choose Evan or Jameson

If you want a man who looks sweet and innocent, choose Jameson

If you want a man who looks sweet and innocent but reveals an increasingly evil nature with each coming year, choose Evan

If you have a beanbag collection, choose Dan or MSB

If you are a sophomore undergraduate, choose Jameson

If you enjoy being the Other Woman, choose MSB

If you live in a state beginning with the letter “M,” choose Dan or Evan

If you are short, and therefore possess an evolutionary urge to mate with someone tall enough to reach the top of the fruit tree and feed your offspring, choose MSB

If you want a man who owns more shoes than you (but only running shoes), choose Jameson

If you want a man who knows more about shoes than you (but only running shoes), choose Dan

Dan

Your evening will be planned, for Dan loves to plan, but note that Dan is fickle and may change his careful plans on a whim. If he suggests something that sounds fun, quickly take him up on the offer before his enthusiasm wanes. Quickly. Otherwise, your entertainment for the evening will consist of hours of YouTube videos. And no, he won’t get tired of them. I suggest that you do not accompany him to a sports bar when the Cowboys are playing. It will be awkward for you and for everyone within a three-block radius.

For your meal, you will have a choice between chicken wings and Chipotle. You will likely be surprised that he wants to eat dinner at 4:30 PM, but roll with it, turn down both ideas, and ask Dan to make you eggs. He makes killer eggs. However, if you’re curious about how Dan is in bed, I’m almost certain that he approaches making love in the same way that he approaches eating a gyro, so you might want to suggest Greek food. Just pray there are no onions on his plate.

Dinner conversation will likely include a biography of Dan’s life, personal preferences in all situations, speculations on the future, and anything you want to know, really. He’s an open book. If Dan has fun, you will also have fun. If Dan does not have fun, you will not have fun. But don’t worry, you will never have to guess what he’s thinking or feeling.

Hobbies include instant gratification, speedy promotions, looking good in pictures, looking better in running shorts and thus getting those speedy promotions at his running store, putting aside all political correctness when the Cowboys are losing, good beer, bad beer, imported beer, deported beer (Dos Equis?), foods requiring a napkin but no utensils, slapping asses, nesting in Jess’ couch cushions, and yoga pants.

Jameson

For those of you tired of reading already, Jameson is Dan, but the opposite.

Your date will take place at his apartment, which he will have been cleaning for two days in preparation. You will wonder, “Should I take off my shoes? Can I sit on the couch? If I sit on the toilet, will the antibacterial cleaning fluid seep through my skin and poison me internally? Should I bother washing my hands, or should I just absorb the cleanliness permeating the air?” You may also wonder, “Why is his bedroom door closed? What is he hiding?” Don’t worry, it’s only a neatly made bed and an Orlando Bloom poster. And of course, “What IS that music!?”

You will be served a lovely meal of queso from a jar and pigs-in-a-blanket. Dessert will be chocolate, and copious amounts will be pulled out of drawers, cabinets, shelves, anywhere chocolate can possibly be found. You can have it plain, in cookie form, or ice cream form. I suggest ice cream form because you can then also cover it in chocolate syrup.

Jameson will then ask you if you want to watch a movie. If you have good taste in movies, I suggest you reply with a “No thank you.” Ask to watch South Park instead. If you don’t like South Park, ask to watch The Simpsons. If you don’t like The Simpsons, leave immediately. You and Jameson have nothing in common.

Hobbies include bemoaning life through a non-threatening medium such as Facebook status, styling his Blagojevich hair, wishing he was still an undergraduate, the Dewey Decimal System, polo shirts in bright colors, training for a marathon so he can be awesome like Jess, and being classy on a graduate student salary (i.e. listening to opera and ballet while drinking cheap wine).

Evan

Request to go out for the evening, unless you want dinner to consist of Princess cereal and Dr. Pepper eaten off a stack of law books in a dorm room. In fact, you should plan the entire evening to your liking. Evan doesn’t care what you do and Evan will be pleased with whatever restaurant or activity that you choose, as long as it does not include feeding the homeless. That would be socialism.  Besides, he’ll be texting throughout the evening anyway.

To turn Evan’s attention back to you, bring up a sports fact. Any sport, even fantasy sports. It doesn’t even matter if the piece of trivia is true; in fact, it’s better if you say something blatantly wrong. Evan will call you on it immediately. You will have his full attention. He will argue every detail of said sports trivia, backing up each statement with statistics and fact. Did I mention he’s studying law?

Take Evan out running. It will be a relaxing, enjoyable, wonderful run filled with laughter, easy banter, and long water breaks. Evan is a better, happier running partner than a golden retriever. Unless, that is, you threaten his manhood by getting serious and picking up the pace. Then It. Is. On.

Hobbies include having clean laundry at all costs, Republicanism, making political incorrectness look charming, living one-dimensionally, disdaining those less fortunate, reciting entire The Simpsons episodes from memory, rocking out to Taylor Swift, being incredibly lucky, and boat shoes. Also, whenever I think of the movie The Sandlot I think of Evan. I’m not sure why.

MSB

Why am I putting my boyfriend up for auction? Well, I need someone to entertain MSB on Valentine’s Day so that I can rest up for my race on Sunday. He’s due back to me at the finish line by 8 AM. He should be dressed in a I Like to See Jess Run t-shirt and ready to cheer.

He doesn’t mind if you pick the restaurant, but make sure the food meets his requirements and is not spicy, crunchy, sharp, abnormal in appearance, ethnic, smelly, too sweet, too rich, too weak, or served warm. If you ask him to pick instead, you will end up at Chik-fil-A, not because MSB is cheap, but because he considers the chicken sandwich to be the epitome of fine dining. Dessert will be delicious baked goods given to him by his mother or by his REAL girlfriend. They likely will have been sitting neglected on his counter for weeks.

During dinner, be prepared to discuss Fox’s 24 in a most literary manner–symbolism, plot, character analysis, foreshadowing–all very important. Also important is betting on the next character to die. Guessing correctly will earn you the highest respect. You do not need to discuss Scrubs in a literary manner, but you should take care to memorize and recite the best quotes from each episode. If you run out of things to say, just keep repeating “That’s what she said,” “Deez!,” or “So is your face!”

Hobbies include delegating tasks by making child-like hand motions, scavenging food, waging war on insects, not fainting while dissecting dead people, moving slowly, pack ratting, tortillas with melted cheese, making beds incorrectly so that Jess has to redo it, loading the dishwasher incorrectly so that Jess has to redo it, arranging the couch cushions incorrectly so that Jess has to redo it, and not speaking clearly. Also, getting an amazing amount of studying and living done despite appearing to nap all day (seriously, what the hell!?).

Don’t forget to take the poll!

Poll closes at 12 AM on Valentine’s Day

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.